31 Dec It’s time.
I haven’t written in a long time, or, a long time for me. I shelved writing in the tornado that became my life which is likely counter-productive because writing has always been cathartic and revealing for me. So, today…
December 31, 2017, it’s time. Time to let go of a very challenging year, full of mistakes and heartache, fear and quietness. I have spent the better part of the last few years being quiet. Very quiet.
By nature I am not a quiet person, a friend recently called me a ‘chatty Cathy’ and that took me by surprise. I was or used to be, a chatty Cathy, lots to say, some good things and some just words. I got quiet in my life. I didn’t lose the talkativeness or the desire to chat or even share what was on my mind and heart. I got quiet, I think because I got tired of talking. Tired of saying the same things over and over and not feeling heard. Tired of waiting for a response, which I don’t think, was ever going to come. Tired of working to find the right words at the right time and delivering them in the right way. Tired of it feeling uphill, all the way, both ways. I just got tired.
Now, I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of not sleeping well, not thinking well. Tired of being quiet.
I’m not a huge believer in New Year’s resolutions only because I believe we should always be looking to set goals and to change, to evolve. I believe in a constant evolution, a constant effort to look forward and dream and work to be better than you were yesterday, or two minutes ago. I didn’t give up being better, I gave up my voice, I quieted my spirit in order to serve others or truthfully, to wait for others. I’m tired of waiting.
I am grateful for the myriad of ah-ha moments, the abundant kindness from friends and family, my cats and my million-dollar dog, the child of my heart, the basic necessities of life, the truckload of things I don’t need but want and have, and the opportunity to focus on the challenge of today because the challenge of the yesterday’s is just that, yesterday.
Robin Roberts said, “be grateful, but never content,” which prompted an epiphany for me. I have often felt that a lack of contentment actually meant I was ungrateful, but that’s not true. I am grateful, my discontent is linked to my drive, my desire, my ambition, my worldview, my wanting to do better, be better, to learn, to grow, to experience life in a way that I believe is truly intended. I don’t actually want to be content. Contentment is the enemy of growth and I want to grow, even if it means there is pain in doing so.
This last year has been chalked full of lessons for me – lessons in business, in love, in perseverance, in gratitude, in resilience, in the unexpected, in the power of prayer, in my own unknown strength, in the blessing of people, and in the miracle of timing. I have been reminded, a thousand times, of how much I don’t know, and yet, how much I do.
I rest in knowing that this too shall pass and that it all leads somewhere, even if I have no idea where that somewhere is. 2017 was difficult on many many levels, but there were some good things weaved into those hardships. And I would be remiss in not acknowledging the beauty that can come from tragedy.
So, no to contentment, yes to gratitude. No to just taking what I am given, yes to expressing what I want (and accepting I won’t always get it). No to being quiet, yes to using my voice.
I am hopeful for the next 365 days.
So, welcome home 2018 and may you be a good guest unlike your predecessor 2017, who clearly overstayed.
She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails. – Elizabeth Edwards